Disney Purchases Rights to Human Genome

Earlier today, Disney executives finalized the purchase of the complete genome of the human race. Though a 2014 Supreme Court decision ruled that the human genome could not be patented or purchased, Disney was able to persuade the 9 judges by promising them front row seats and an early viewing of the live action Mulan film.

The purchase will give Disney full access to modify and use the genome, as well as the ability to sue those currently using the human genome without their consent. In a statement from the Disney CEO, the purchase was made to "manipulate the genome to ensure that future generations only watch the correct movies, OUR movies."

"I think its a wonderful thing, that Disney has the future of the entire human race in its hands, its truly wonderful", said Disney's congress puppet, Michael Wazowski. "I support all further purchases by Disney of things that the entire human race should have access to, and is now in the hands of one mega-corporation. Next, Disney says that they are looking into patenting oxygen so they can sue all plant life for illegally producing it.

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